This weekend was the first weekend in a very long time that I wished my daughter was "normal", since being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Hypersensitivity Disorder, Panic Attacks, OCD, and some other issues. We have worked since she was a baby to help her cope with life's daily issues, and so far I have thought that we have done quite well in our efforts. This weekend we hit a bit of a snag.
It was time for the dogs to be walked. We have a dog that likes to run to burn off that excess energy, so I thought it was a good idea for her to ride her bike to let our dog have her run. Unbeknownst to me, the dogs had been recently fed, so my husband told my daughter to take them on a walk, but not to let our bigger dog run to avoid giving her bloat. A disorder common in her breed, especially if they are run soon after they are fed. She came to me to confirm that she needed to ride her bike while the dog ran. I didn't know of the conversation she had with her dad, or that the dogs had been recently fed, so I assured her that was what she needed to do. A few minutes later her dad reminded her just to "walk the dogs".
She began to panic, and frustrating answered back, "But Mom said I had to ride my bike to walk the dog." I was immediately called downstairs. As I came down, I was bombarded with questions and accusations from both my husband and daughter. "You know Luna can't run after she has eaten, and it hasn't been long enough since her morning meal," my husband accused. "You said I had to ride my bike, right?" my daughter questioned.
"Whoa, wait a minute, I had no idea what your dad told you," I answered back to my daughter. I explained that had I known that the dog had just eaten then I wouldn't have suggested that she ride her bike while the dog ran. Her dad told her to go ahead and just walk the dogs. I agreed. She looked at me as though she were a deer caught in an oncoming car's headlights, plopped down on the couch and couldn't move. I recognized the signs. She was in full sensory overload, which negated her ability to comprehend, move or act on any of our requests. There was nothing more we could do, but wait it out until her synapses fired enough to soak it all in.
I didn't like the reaction, not because she short circuited, but because it reminded me that she still had so much more to overcome. Don't get me wrong we are at a place where she is a thousand times better than where she was, but not where she needs to be and it kind of scares me because she is going back into public school after two and a half years of being home schooled. I just hope I have equipped her with the skills necessary to overcome more of those obstacles. There are times I wish she was more "normal", but that is for her sake so that she doesn't stand out as being out of place or "abnormal" and therefore picked on. I just have to believe that she is where she needs to be for now.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Confessions of an Imperfect Mom Chapter 1
Today I wished I had no kids...that's right, you heard me. Today was the day I longed for the simple life of no kids, no attachments, and no responsibilities. I'm sure everyone has had one of those moments when they wish things could be different, and if they didn't then they are either a saint or a liar. I am neither. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids even when they are at their worst.
But there are times they just exhaust me. Mainly because they are 4 different kids with 4 very distinct personalities. I have the "mom" who like to make sure everyone is following the rules and we all fit in our predesignated places within the family structure. Then there is "challenger", every minute of every day has been spent thinking of ways to frustrate and confound her parents, and usually quite successfully. Next comes the "Drama Queen", DQ for short. Oh here is a child that will one day win the Oscar for her portrayal of a tortured victim in the lovely screen adaptation of As the World Revolves Around Me. Lastly, we have "the blaster". So much energy is expelled from this child. If only I could harness that energy and use it for good instead of evil.
Each one unique in their own special way. Put together they become an exercise in futility. Today though, they decided to combine their powers of destruction and hone it on the only target in sight....MOM. Of course dad is away hiding in his safety zone - work. Enemy fire aimed in his direction is minimized. The participants all know it. That's why they wait until the field is clear. Then they take aim and fire.
Distant rumblings of a skirmish is heard from their rooms. The inevitable was happening. I kept moving in an effort to avoid the confrontation. I hoped that all of it was meaningless, but I knew better. I could hear their voices raised louder in argument. There was no way to stem the tide of contention. It was growing.
Taking deep breaths seemed to be the only way to calm my jittery nerves. I needed a moment to gather my senses and prepare for the onslaught. They were coming and I would be in the fray, just wishing for someone, anyone, to take me away. Moments pass without incident. Part of me thought it was just a false alarm, and they had decided to give me a reprieve for the day. I took a cleansing breath and sighed knowing disaster was temporarily averted.
My moment of peace didn't last all of the sudden the onslaught started and a full scale assault had been engaged. The yelling was intense and loud. There was a mention of on child using something that belonged to another. An accusation followed, I heard a crash which heralded a shrill screech from the youngest. It was all I could do to keep my reaction in check. I started counting to 10, and then I added 100. There was no denying a fierce battle was in full force.
An intervention was necessary. I tried to keep my cool and rationalize with the combatants and it seemed to work. I decided to run errands during the truce. However, the ceasefire didn't last long. Not five minutes in the store and the partcipants were poking and hitting each other, while making snide comments to each other. This was not going to be the day that I won Mother of the Year. After about 15 minutes I was ready to go home. We piled back in the car for the ride home.
I found no peace there either. As the car engaged in gear the torrents of accusations started. I was sick of it, and I realized it wasn't getting any better. I sent all those participating in the demise of my sanity to their rooms, and whiled they were there I told them to clean it up while they thought about how poorly they were behaving. They spent the rest of the time mumbling to themselves about how life would be different if they were in charge.
As the skirmishes died to low rumblings, I began to relax that the end was in sight. Late afternoon approached friends were calling to make plans. My solace was at its end. Tales of plans with friends were coming fast and furious. Finally I just had to shout out for silence. In a calm, yet authoritative voice I stated, "Fine you can go with your friends once you pick up a little bit." You would have thought I asked them to cut off their right arms. The indignation flowed. I heard tales of how one cleaned all the time and the other ones did nothing.
When did this sense of entitlement happen? The cork popped my irritation was at capacity. I began my tirade as follows:
But there are times they just exhaust me. Mainly because they are 4 different kids with 4 very distinct personalities. I have the "mom" who like to make sure everyone is following the rules and we all fit in our predesignated places within the family structure. Then there is "challenger", every minute of every day has been spent thinking of ways to frustrate and confound her parents, and usually quite successfully. Next comes the "Drama Queen", DQ for short. Oh here is a child that will one day win the Oscar for her portrayal of a tortured victim in the lovely screen adaptation of As the World Revolves Around Me. Lastly, we have "the blaster". So much energy is expelled from this child. If only I could harness that energy and use it for good instead of evil.
Each one unique in their own special way. Put together they become an exercise in futility. Today though, they decided to combine their powers of destruction and hone it on the only target in sight....MOM. Of course dad is away hiding in his safety zone - work. Enemy fire aimed in his direction is minimized. The participants all know it. That's why they wait until the field is clear. Then they take aim and fire.
Distant rumblings of a skirmish is heard from their rooms. The inevitable was happening. I kept moving in an effort to avoid the confrontation. I hoped that all of it was meaningless, but I knew better. I could hear their voices raised louder in argument. There was no way to stem the tide of contention. It was growing.
Taking deep breaths seemed to be the only way to calm my jittery nerves. I needed a moment to gather my senses and prepare for the onslaught. They were coming and I would be in the fray, just wishing for someone, anyone, to take me away. Moments pass without incident. Part of me thought it was just a false alarm, and they had decided to give me a reprieve for the day. I took a cleansing breath and sighed knowing disaster was temporarily averted.
My moment of peace didn't last all of the sudden the onslaught started and a full scale assault had been engaged. The yelling was intense and loud. There was a mention of on child using something that belonged to another. An accusation followed, I heard a crash which heralded a shrill screech from the youngest. It was all I could do to keep my reaction in check. I started counting to 10, and then I added 100. There was no denying a fierce battle was in full force.
An intervention was necessary. I tried to keep my cool and rationalize with the combatants and it seemed to work. I decided to run errands during the truce. However, the ceasefire didn't last long. Not five minutes in the store and the partcipants were poking and hitting each other, while making snide comments to each other. This was not going to be the day that I won Mother of the Year. After about 15 minutes I was ready to go home. We piled back in the car for the ride home.
I found no peace there either. As the car engaged in gear the torrents of accusations started. I was sick of it, and I realized it wasn't getting any better. I sent all those participating in the demise of my sanity to their rooms, and whiled they were there I told them to clean it up while they thought about how poorly they were behaving. They spent the rest of the time mumbling to themselves about how life would be different if they were in charge.
As the skirmishes died to low rumblings, I began to relax that the end was in sight. Late afternoon approached friends were calling to make plans. My solace was at its end. Tales of plans with friends were coming fast and furious. Finally I just had to shout out for silence. In a calm, yet authoritative voice I stated, "Fine you can go with your friends once you pick up a little bit." You would have thought I asked them to cut off their right arms. The indignation flowed. I heard tales of how one cleaned all the time and the other ones did nothing.
When did this sense of entitlement happen? The cork popped my irritation was at capacity. I began my tirade as follows:
"All I asked was for all of you to pick up a little bit before you go and play with your friends, watch tv, or play on the computer. I didn't ask much, just a little so that your father and I don't have to do it all while reap the benefits without effort. I don't know where you guys get off believing that you can act like vicious animals towards each other, be combative towards each other, talk to me like I'm one of your friends and then expect that I should willingly let you do whatever your heart desires. I only asked you to help pick up a little before you left. Nothing much just pick up the things you left out, and put away the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. You act like I asked you to sacrafice your soul. This is a family and as part of the family you are required to help keep things put away. I don't ask for the world, but I do ask that when you need to help you do it without complaining, griping, or whining, because you don't act like that when you want something from me or you want me to do something. You cannot talk to me like I am one of your friends, because I am not your friend. I am your mother and I will never be your friend. I don't have to let you do and have anything. The only thing that I have to give you is food, shelter and something to keep you covered. I don't have to buy designer clothes or shoes, I don't have to provide Ipods, phones of computers. Those are all extra and only given when earned. I don't have to pay for movies, and entertainment and I don't have to pay for all those extra-curricular activities that end up costing us a lot of money. And if you think we owe you that because you are our child then you are mistaken. We are a family and as a part of this family you will do your share in keeping this house clean, you will respect each other and minimize the combative attitudes towards each other. You will not assume that we owe you something just because you live in this house. And if you don't do your part, then I don't have to give you all of the extras. Are we clear on that?"
I think you could have heard a pin drop. It was the first time all day that I had heard real silence. The lecture had been building, not over the day, but over several weeks and even months. We had let it go on too long and the kids were beginning to feel entitled to things without putting forth any effort. We, as parents, wouldn't be doing our jobs if we sent our children out in this world feeling like the world or society owed them. It doesn't work like that. If they were working and they put in little effort into their job and then expect a paycheck, their boos would fire them.
We are here to make sure that our children are prepared for this world, and giving them things and paying for all their activities and then not requiring anything of them will only set them up for failure in the future. We will raise a bunch of self-centered kids that think they are entitled to everything just because they exist, and that would never win me Mother of the Year.
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